The Pink Artist: A Community Art Doll Project

Monica Magness, owner of the Girl Gone Thread Wild blog has initiated a Community Art Doll Project.

Each artist will contribute a 2" fabric square. The squares will be put together as one art doll. Go check out Monica's blog to participate or to find out all of the exciting plans that she has for this art doll (including donating the proceeds to Susan G. Komen for the Cure). But you'll have to hurry. Squares must be mailed to Monica by March 1.


Check out the parade of squares to see some that have already been sent in. I just signed up today to do a square. Mine will be humble in comparison to the ones that she has featured on her blog, but (shrug) I have thought up a design that means a lot to me so I'm in!

Once I get it done, I'll post a picture.

Thank you, Deena, for making me aware of this project.

All Is Well

My breast surgeon guarantees me that the little bump near my port-a-cath scar is not a tumor. That it is likely to be an undissolved stitch although scar tissue would also be a possibility.

Why would I suddenly feel it now? Perhaps because the rest of the area has softened and resolved enough to allow me to feel it. I did figure out, through endlessly prodding said lump over the weekend, that it can be flattened out. And that was a bit reassuring.

"But can't we just take it out? Biopsy it?" My pleas were ineffective.

No.

And he really did use the word guarantee. In addition, he assured me that he doesn't use that word lightly.

I have had complete confidence in him so far and his reputation is stellar. So I will go with the guarantee in spite of the fact that, I do NOT (and will not) watch-and-see. Ever.


I don't like the downward spiral that I went on over this. I'm not sure if I think that I acted like a baby, or if it was a reasonable fear. People live with recurrence, and I all but crumbled with the fear of recurrence. I think that I was done in by having two "what-ifs" in one month.

Conclusion: I still have lessons to learn.

Breathing Again

Not that anything of substance has changed since last night. But this morning I feel like I can breathe again. And that "it" is probably not cancer. And if "it" is cancer, then I will not allow it to spoil even one more day than is necessary.

I'm tempted to make myself a rule: no posting in the evening. St. John of the Cross's book is called Dark Night of the Soul for good reason, eh?

But such is this journey. Up and down. I can't always be the breezy Jayne who is thrilled with life, who has been taught well by the cancer experience, and so on. Sorry. (And just who am I apologizing to? I don't know. My husband, my mom and my closest IRL friends I guess. They bear the burden of when-I-am-not-so-fine.)

I am off to have a normal day, folks.

OK, So Now What?

Thoughts on Blogging

About a month ago, Lorelle on Wordpress did a post on Cancer Blogs and Blogging.


I discovered this post because my blog was listed, so that was kind of cool. Considering that Lorelle is not a "cancer blogger" she sure did manage to hit on one of the fundamental aspects of blogging about cancer. She writes: "If the disease ends, should the blogger keep blogging about being a 'victim' or 'patient'? Shouldn’t their blogging move on as their life has? What happens to the blog?"

It's a conundrum that so many of us face as we move further out from active treatment. Some of my favorite bloggers have all but stopped updating their blogs. I guess that's good - they're off living their post-cancer lives, right? But without any updates, I'm left to wonder how they are doing.

I know other cancer bloggers who have kept up their cancer blog but started another blog, too. I've thought about doing this (and I still might). But am I up for maintaining two blogs?

So I find myself at a bit of a blogging crossroads. I do still have plenty to say about breast cancer on this blog. Creative breast cancer projects come to my attention all the time, and I want to blog about them. Cancer continues to influence my own creative efforts, and I want to blog about that too.

Bad News

I am so so so so sorry to report that I have something sinister weighing on my mind again. On Wednesday, I found a little, hard lump right near my port-a-cath scar. It's tiny. Like smaller than a B-B. It could be scar tissue, but that scar is almost two years old. How likely is it that this would occur now? It hurts. If I push on it in a certain way, the pain is sharp. Almost like this little bump has a shard on it. I think that it would be unusual for a tumor to present pain in this manner.

It's not even on my cancer side. But... certainly there are lymph nodes in the area. It's just an inch or so below the collarbone. Maybe, despite a bilateral mastectomy, it is a new primary tumor. They can't get all of that breast tissue out, you know.

I had something happen to me a couple of weeks ago. It was related to the bleeding colon polyp that I dealt with last year. I had a few dark days. I had to go in for a test. The test came out fine. I didn't even write about it. I hardly even told any of my IRL (in real life) friends. Just didn't feel like dealing with it.

I had a pretty good run of it this past year. I've been able to play, work, travel. I've had days when cancer didn't even cross my mind.

Now?

Can't concentrate. Can't cope. Can't breathe. Appointment with breast surgeon on Monday.