What's in a word? Plenty.

Courtney, who writes the always-excellent Biography of Breast Cancer blog, has posted a great reflection on the word Survivor.


Quick!! What did you think of when you hear the word "Survivor"? I'll bet that millions of people would only think of the TV show, but I don't think that they read this blog. I've never seen a single episode of Survivor-the-TV-show, so I'm not in a position to comment on THAT word-association, I guess...

Then there's the song by Destiny's Child, which occasionally gets played at breast cancer events and surely has to be considered the hardest song to sing on the PS2 game SingStar...

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It's a bit of a weird word, "Survivor," when applied to cancer. I mean, I'm only a Survivor as long as I outlive my cancer, which may or may not happen.

But here I am: apparently healthy. And in possession of an ever-growing collection of T-shirts and magnets and trinkets that say Surivor on them.

Somebody did recently ask me"When do you get to start calling yourself a Survivor?"
What is the answer? Whenever you want to. Including never.



Hmm. Let's try on a few other labels:



Cancer patient. Nope. the amount of surveillance I get is disturbingly, incredibly minimal. I pop one tiny white pill in the morning and get my blood drawn a couple of times a year. That hardly makes me a patient.



Cancer victim? Absolutely not.



So I'm left with Survivor. I'm OK with it, but it remains a bit awkward, methinks.





My own pet peeve: being called part of a sorority, albeit a screwed-up one. While I can apprectiate the analogy, I wasn't interested in sororities in college and I certainly resist the notion that I've been thrust into one now - completely against my will.



The reality? I'm at a point where, in theory, I could walk away from all of this: my blog, the message boards, the support group, volunteering at the cancer center, going to Washington DC to lobby for breast cancer legislation (something that I did just a month ago)...

Could I really do that? It would be hard. Should I? I'd probably lose more than I'd gain.





But, yeah, I'm a Survivor. Even if I don't survive cancer, in the past fourteen months I've already survived four rounds of chemo, seven rounds of anesthesia, and countless bouts of paralyzing fear.



Just like my wrinkles, I've earned that magnet on the back of my car and my stack of pink T-shirts.

Race for the Cure

It's walking season!!! There are "Race for the Cure" events being held all over the country. We had ours earlier this month.

Last year, I went to the race just a day after having my head shaved. The event saved me from wallowing in sadness.

Forever, it will be a day that I can look back on as a day that turned everything around for me. It was the day that I learned what it can mean to be part of the Survivor community.

There I was last year, with my Mom:




This year, I have cute hair and am on the other side of active treatment but that sure didn't keep me from getting all blubbery at the end:

I don't know if they do this at all Race for the Cure events, but we have a garden. You can buy a tulip and decorate it "in honor of..." or "in memory of..."

My favorite part is The Survivor Procession. You are grouped by the number of years that you've been a Survivor. This year I got to move from underneath the ">1" banner to the "1-5" banner. But the most comfort comes from seeing that there are plenty of folks processing under the "26+" banner. Everyone is clapping & cheering as you go by.

Many, many thanks to everyone who walked with me this year.

Lymphedema

It's not like me to go a whole week without a post, but my plastic surgeon released me from most restrictions *, so I've been pulling weeds in my garden like a fiend!

So wouldn't you know that I happened to also attend a presentation last week on lymphedema, and listened to a horror story of lymphedema suddenly occuring after pulling weeds. Bleh. I'm at low risk for lymphodema (no radiation and only three lymph nodes removed) but was still advised to get a compression sleeve for flying.



Meanwhile, the garden is lookin' mighty fine:
















*I can't lift weights for another week.

Quick Medical Update

I'm four days post exchange surgery.

From a pain perspective, this was a non-event. I think I slept on my side the first night & I didn't take any pain meds.

There remains some bruising and a bit of discomfort. I have a post-op appointment on Monday.

Have a great weekend!

PS: My blog might go offline for a couple of days. I'm going to fiddle with my domain records, and it might go whacky until it propagates properly.

I love Wi-Fi (too much?)

I love technology. Podcasts, Wi-Fi,RSS...But it can be such a distraction! For my Cancerversary, I bought myself a laptop. I even bought a sleek, black microfiber carry-bag that is punctuated with two hot pink handles that stripe down the bag. And a metal pink breast cancer ribbon hangs from it, kind of like a luggage tag.

I was so excited about the possibility of getting away from the distractions of the house to get my writing done and I started scouting out where to get free Wi-Fi.

But what I've done instead is taken my laptop to places that DON'T have free Wi-Fi so that I can get my writing done. That way, I don't get distracted from the word processor by all of my (beloved) Internet distractions.

So I cracked up laughing when I read this blog post, written by Deb C in Alaska. Deb C is also a breast cancer survivor and she is trying to write an essay about her cancer experience but she stops to check something online, which leads hither and thither into cyberspace...

Oh, don't I know it! Happens to me all too often.

Also, here is the link to Deb's full website, So, is today a Good Day?.

Surgery, Race for the Cure

I had my surgery this morning. Tissue expanders are OUT, implants are IN. It is now noon, and I'm home!

So far no pain. I don't get to take a shower until Wednesday (yuck) and I won't drive until Friday.

We had our Race for the Cure on Saturday. I was a team captain. We had lots of fun and a bit of tears.

Eventually I'll post some of my reflections and pictures, but since today was surgery day I'm going to be a lazy blogger and just going to ask you to take a look at my dear friend Andrea's blog post about the event. She says very flattering things about me, which you are welcome to take with a grain of salt :)


Andrea's Race for the Cure Blog Post: Heroes



Give her a round of applause for supporting the race and her two breast cancer pals.

Medical Updates

My surgery to replace the tissue expanders with permanent implants is rapidly approaching. The trend is to choose silicone implants. Supposedly they provide a more natural feel and better cosmetic results.

I've chosen saline. Could I have researched the option further and concluded that silicone is a safe and preferable alternative to saline? Maybe. But I went with my intuition and a little bit of research. My intuition told me loud and clear that I will be happier knowing that I have a harmless little bag of salt water inside my body.

Somebody asked me the other day if -given the opportunity - would I do anything different (i.e., make any different treatment choices). My answer: Nope. And what a great feeling it is to be able to say that.

However...

I have a bone density scan coming up soon. My oophorectomy made me post-menopausal and the Arimidex can accelerate bone loss. I'm really anxious about the test, but still don't think that any result would make me regret my ooph. That was a heavily researched, much-agonized-over course of treatment.

I had my oncology follow up on Monday. Bloodwork looks normal (counts and tumor markers) and I don't have any worrisome pains or symptoms so I go back in four months, unless of course anything worrisome presents itself in the interval.

Assignment Completed

Yep, I finished my essay.


Now that it is done, my foremost thought is that this particular creative well runs very, very deep. I've been blogging about cancer for over a year. I have some other cancer-related writing that I'm hoping to publish. The essay that I wrote over the weekend was (for me) a brand new, fresh take on the topic. And yet - I still feel like I've only begun writing about breast cancer.

This is less an observation of my, ahem, writing talent than it is an observation that breast cancer is a profound and life-changing experience. It takes a lot of effort to process it. People who only know me through social circles probably think that I've put it behind me. Ha! My blog readers know better.

Hmmm. I write about breast cancer. I wrote an essay about writing about breast cancer. And now I'm writing a post about writing about writing about breast cancer. I think I need to take a walk :)