Mental Gyrations

Last week, we were on our way to Walt Disney World and had a car accident. We were very lucky that no one was seriously injured and that the car was still able to limp its way to Disney.

I was seated in the front, passenger seat. Right after the impact, I recall this split second of wanting to turn around to check on my family but being terrified at what I might discover.


(One of my boys had to be taken to the hospital for observation, but he was totally OK.)

As far as the car, it still needs a lot of work. We had to drive home from Florida (10+ hours ) with no air conditioning. Ugh.

The experience was unsettling, but it could've been so much worse. And except for the accident, we had a fantastic trip. We met another family there, so in total there were nine of us on the vacation. It was an intense, crazy, and wonderful week. It was the closest that I've come to having a week wherein I didn't even think about cancer.

I admit to checking my reconstructed breasts obsessively for changes or oddities. But when I'm away, I avoid checking them. Who wants to find something on vacation? It's not like I'd immediately fly home. So I just do my best to ignore my breasts for a week.

The night we got home I had a dream that there was a raised ridge on my left (non-cancerous) side. When I woke up I thought, wow, that's really weird that I actually haven't had cancer dreams. I haven't dreamt that my hair fell out again, or that my cancer came back, etc.

Now, don't say "yeah, right" about this next part, OK? A day after that dream I found a raised ridge, but it was on my right (cancer) side. Uh-oh. Except that it was ethereal. Sometimes I could locate it and sometimes I could locate only part of it. Sometimes it was a ridge and sometimes it was two discrete circles (lumps? nodules?), sometimes three circles.

I began to suspect that it was part of my implant. One of my Survivor friends suggested that it might be the fill valve.

Fortunately, I was due for a follow-up with my plastic surgeon and indeed I am feeling the fill valve. Nothing to fret over at all.

By the way, the car accident made me so glad that I'd chosen saline implants. With saline, if the implant is broken it completely deflates. There is no need to wonder whether or not it is intact.

The plastic surgeon asked me about scheduling nipple reconstruction. "No way," I told him. Reconstructed nipples are always erect. Right now I can wear a thin tank top and look great. I can go without a bra. As far as I'm concerned nipples would just mess up how I look in my clothes. Thanks-but-no-thanks.